The Aftermath of Angela…
May 01
Uncategorized beginning of the end, blur, despair, earth, education class, education classes, furniture, garage sale, guilt, head shrinker, job, kids stuff, meds, participation, post test, red flag, rest of my life, risk factors, sobs, suicide, suicide risk, suicide risk assessment 13 Comments
It was so unexpected. It was a normal day at work with normal expectations and normal education classes. It was all normal, normal, normal. I didn’t realize my reaction would be so strong since I have pushed you out of my thoughts and out of my life to numb the pain of life without you. I made no connection. But there we were, together, at suicide risk assessment education class.
The instructors, one who happened to be on my unit, thought they were going to look to me to be a leader in participation, but as we sat listening to assessment and risk factors associated with suicide, my head started swarming with all the things I missed when you were here on this earth. I was too wrapped up in my own shit to see you falling deeper into the despair that ended your world. I will live with that for the rest of my life.
Within 5 minutes of the class I think I was silently trying to control my sobs. Thankfully, I was in the front of the class and was able to look at the sheet in front of me that had some post-test I kept scribbling on. I couldn’t follow any of it. It was all a blur. As they were talking I was reliving the last year of your life and thinking about all the things I missed that could have kept you here with us.
I think it was your job loss and that you were not able to find another that was the beginning of the end. Everything just spiraled after that. Looking back I realize you were taking the steps of getting your affairs in order. You had never had a garage sale before so when you had your first, all of your friends helped you organize, no one thought twice about you selling practically everything you owned… kids stuff, furniture… everything. It seemed normal since you needed the money. Then, you told Jaime you stopped taking your meds AND going to your head shrinker because you said were miraculously better. But… I found that out after the fact. That would have been a red flag to me because we both know you needed them. I’m sorry to say that it was a need, but it doesn’t mean I love you any less or judge you for the issues you had. I’ve known you since we were 12 years old. I would have been there through thick and thin, sweet Angela. But I missed all of your signs when they were happening and am left feeling like I failed you and more so failed you sweet children. I don’t understand why Angela… why? Why…why…why…why…why? WHY!?
You left your 4 beautiful babies to fend in life without you, and for that I was REALLY angry with you for so so long because how could you? I realize now, that you really thought in your heart that they were better off with out you. But sweet Angela, they love you and needed you. Reagan is trying to be the great strong oldest sibling and hangs on to you. Matt has totally given you a write off. He is so hurt. I want to give him a big hug and tell him it will be better. He is going to be dealing with it for so long, all of his hurt is pushed down to the bottom of his toes. He is struggling to accept it. Kyle is caught up in the mix, too young to understand. It saddens me to think that Gina will never have any memories of you, just a few pictures. She will only have stories of how sweet and giving you were. I wish you could of seen yourself through all of our eyes rather than your own. Everyone loved you so much!
I’ve been to your last post on Facebook a couple times. Everyone is still adding things to your Facebook page about how they miss you and all the memories we have together, but I can’t Angela. I’m sorry I just can’t. I don’t know why, but I just… can’t. I haven’t been there for quite awhile. I went there in January on your birthday. I didn’t know what to post, so just read everyone else’s posts for you. I lost my words when I went there. Reagan is having trouble a lot of trouble coping with your death. When I see his name on your Facebook page he says “I love you mom, I miss you” I cry. I don’t go there anymore. I can’t. They posted the note you left, but looking at it there makes me cry.
It’s coming up on a year this summer. I can’t believe I can’t just call you saying, Hey Mama, what’s the haps, or get the kids together laugh and bitch about life and drink a lil too. I hope you have found the peace you didn’t feel you had in this lifetime. I’ll always cherish the time we had.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – With Help Comes Hope
1-800-273-TALK (8255): Suicide hotline, 24/7 free and confidential, nationwide network of crisis centers.
May 01, 2010 @ 13:49:12
That is the most touching post I have read in a long time. I teared up reading it. Thank you for sharing your heart.
May 01, 2010 @ 14:19:09
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. I cried as I read this. May you both find the peace that you seek.
May 01, 2010 @ 20:40:36
wow. i teared up too. i wish YOU would have talked to ME about this. why didnt you?
same reasons angela didnt talk to you maybe???????
you have to think about that. why people dont talk to others about stuff. we dont want to intrude; we are all busy; we all have our own shit going on; its how it is–and you are sadly right with her. she felt better knowing she wasnt hurting anyone anymore. of course WE see the flawed logic in that but by what i read, i dont think she was well. clearly.
no one can tell you what you ’should’ think or feel but its not good to sit in the midst of ‘if onlys’ and ‘i shouldhaves’ because the truth is-IF she wanted you to know, she would have told you. you missed the signs because there were none. she worked hard to make sure every single person around her didnt realize anything. im not ever going to tell you not to feel bad. you will.
i am so so sorry to hear about this and im actually so glad you wrote this. for one, i think its good to put it out there. i KNOW things are cathartic when you talk about them. for another, i was thinking about you and this and wanted to talk more about it but ya know, i cant force you to talk to me.
honestly, i think you should face this. go to her grave. it will be hard. and there will be no good time. just do it and talk to her. yell at her. hug the stone. cry. trust me, that and time are what heals.
im sorry. and i will pray for her eternal peace. but i will for you too. xoxoxo.
…………………………………………
ok, can we swear now?
May 20, 2010 @ 03:29:47
thanx gitzy. i love you with all my heart. i do. i’m sorry i didn’t talk to u… i think it’s too hard to. i dont talk about her without crying, ever. maybe one day sissy.
May 03, 2010 @ 22:28:34
Are you familiar with Brandi Carlile’s song “That Year”? If not, give it a Google. It’s gorgeous and heartachey and I think you might relate.
May 20, 2010 @ 03:35:50
PERFECT song, really! thanx so much for suggesting it.
May 04, 2010 @ 22:14:01
I lost a friend of mine to alcohol poisoning. He was in a local band – really well known. We all know he drank too much, but we did nothing to stop him. I have been to his band’s myspace page – there are postings of RIP and well wishes to his family. I have never been able to post anything…
I am very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you!
May 07, 2010 @ 13:27:05
Well, shit, how did I miss this? I’m so, so sorry that your friend is gone. Wishing you peace and love; first anniversaries are…I’m stuck for a word. Fucking awful is what they are.
May 17, 2010 @ 10:53:25
i’m sorry about your friend: says the total stranger. but i’m glad you posted it because i have been angela more than once in the past, except i am still surviving it. and i have two littles who would only eat ramen noodles for the rest of their life if left alone with their dad. very poignant stuff, mortality.
May 17, 2010 @ 11:54:07
britt. thank-you SO much for replying. i really posted it for those Angela’s out there who might read it. keep on surviving lovely.
May 18, 2010 @ 22:25:52
That’s an awesome read. Nicely written, mama…
May 19, 2010 @ 15:36:54
Hi. I just met you. Right now. And I already love you for being so open about this. Thank you! My father committed suicide years ago, and the conclusion I have finally come to is this:
Everyone makes mistakes. People who choose to end their lives are simply making a huge mistake that they can’t take back. I’m sure 100% of them would say if they could, “Oh shit. That was so stupid. I really fucked up my kids/friends/family. I’ll never do it again.’ But this is the kind of mistake that you can’t learn from.
Thanks again for sharing. Very brave. I hope suicide becomes less taboo because it’s really annoying when people get embarrassed & flustered when you mention it.
Virtual hugs, Laurenne
May 20, 2010 @ 04:03:10
Laurenne thanx SO much for sharing. I’m working thru the guilt. my falling to pieces days/moments seem like they are getting further apart. I can’t tell u how much I appreciate ur viewpoint… it’s so true isnt it.
Angela visited me in a dream the other night. we were kids, screwing around and having fun, better days.